Goodbye 5301, Hello 4813: Moving to an Early 1900s Fourplex

If you’ve been keeping up with my move on social media, you’ll remember my moaning and groaning about packing up by 500 square foot apartment and moving shells into a much, MUCH larger one. We’re talking almost twice the space here, people. Would you be surprised if I told you I can fill it up no problem? Didn’t think so.

This time, I had the presence of mind to snap some photos of my very empty, but still happy looking, 5301 apartment. I was surprised at my lack of feeling seeing it so desolate. This was my first apartment. The place that allowed me to move to Dallas at all. The place I stood in front of on the sidewalk crying as I watched my family drive away, realizing I was really alone. The place I ran to when I was upset or depressed. The place I hosted parties and family and friends. The place I made a lot (a lot) of stupid mistakes. The place I first met Paden. The place I adopted Ginger. The place where Paden’s dog Butter peed on my Christmas tree. The place I had my first Christmas on my own. The place I realized just how dark loneliness can get and just how scary suicidal thoughts can be.

The place I reached out for help and the place I grew into who I am right now.

But when I walked around that empty place, I felt nothing. I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t want to stay there anymore. I wanted to move. Nothing about that place was begging me to stay anymore. Too much pain and tears and sorrow and not enough happy happened in that place and it was just time for me to go. I needed a new start. I needed a physical representation of letting go. And this move was that for me. I’m in a brand new (to me) place and I’m able to truly start over here. I don’t have to look around at those walls and see the pain or remember words that were said in those spots. I get to really let it all go and forget it. For real this time.

So. Just for the record, here are the empty photos of my 5301 apartment. It served me well.

But it’s not you 5301, it’s me.

DIY eye statement wallblush pink bedroom wallnatural light and white walls

 

So, there she is. Empty and ready for the next soul to inhabit it and make it their own. Oh, btw. The photos are straight the floors just really are that crooked. 😛

I loved living here because it gave me the opportunity to discover my passion for styling, DIYing and my desire to gut a place and start from scratch. (A literal dream of mine since I was young.) It allowed me to change things I wanted to and to dream of what the space could be. I feel like I did a pretty damn good job of turning it into home for the two years I spent there. I hope the next person loves it as much as I did.

 

 

Love you, 5301. Bye forever!

 

PSSST! Click HERE to see the latest apartment tour of this space!

xx

Life Lately

Since I’ve gotten out of the (horrid?) habit of posting my eyeballs out on every social media platform known to man and thus giving myself much needed brain space, I’ve amassed quite the collection of photos that no one has seen. And what’s the fun of taking photos if no one sees them?


Started dating this dummy and added he and his dog Butter to our pack. We are crazy.

Outlast Youth hosted their first successful event! We held a mixer for volunteers and for the community to get to know us. So grateful to be a part of this and for the community’s support. Truly amazing.

Visited Lubbock for a work trip and saw my first tumbleweed.

Shaved my head, dog sat a real life muppet and burned the remnants of my old wedding DVDs in the sink while Paden lit the match.

Dog sitting for some clients of mine, I opened the garage door and that GORGEOUS fully restored baby was staring me in the face. Baby pink? Yes please.

Oh and my family came to visit and my parents are adorable. <3

 

What have you been up to lately?

 

 

xx

When you don’t feel worth it…


When you feel so broken wondering why you’re like this. When you wonder if you’ll literally ever be able to love someone in a healthy way. When you’re wondering where your self worth went. When it’s breaking your heart that you can’t see yourself the way your parents do. When it’s crushing you to see their eyes well up when you tell them you don’t love yourself. When you hear them tell you you’re worth it. When you’re wondering why someone that’s harbored feelings for you for years won’t even make it work with you. When you miss your ex. When you doubt if it’s love or you’re just holding onto something that makes you feel good. When you wonder why you need to hold onto someone to make you feel good in the first place and can’t be satisfied with your own self. When you know that fall is coming and probably along with it your depression. When your favorite shirt is dirty. When you text that guy because you’re bored or lonely or some other lame excuse. When no one shows up for your birthday. When you realize how far you still have to go. When you’re wondering why you’re not fixed yet. When you’re wondering how you’re so messed up. When you’re lonely. When you’re sad. When you wish that guy you have a crush on would just pay attention to you. When you know he isn’t the one for you. When you say something mean. When you say something passive aggressive. When you speak out of turn because your feelings are hurt. When you don’t get a reply. When an “I’m sorry” won’t work. When you’re broke. When you just want to delete everyone out of your life. When you believe you’ll never be married because you can’t be 1000% single for one single second. When you wonder what that is inside of you holding you back. When you’re sorry. When you’re broken. When you’re depressed and being so makes you even more depressed because you think of all the people pulling for you that really love you. When you think about how much your family loves you. When your heart is absolutely smashed like a month old Halloween pumpkin. When you think about how many people haven’t shown up for you in your life. When you remember the ones that do. When you don’t want to read that message that’s gonna hurt. When you feel weak. When you feel strong. When everything is sh*t. When everything is incredible. When you’re sick. When you can’t find your people. When you’re waiting. When you can’t understand why you’re not as far as you thought you’d be. When you don’t get that job. When you don’t have a loft in Deep Ellum. When you get married. When you date again. When you’re sunburned. When you’re healthy. When you find your people. When no one shows up. When you’re homesick. When you’re anxious. When someone dies. When you feel isolated. When you realize, again, that you moved away from everything familiar. When someone takes something from you. When you wreck your car. When you feel like no one loves you. When you feel more hopeless than you’ve ever felt. When you want something but can’t get it. When you feel worthless. When you think you’re nothing. When you wonder who spoke that to you and why you let it in. When you can’t shake the incessant down talk you hear your soul speaking to you. When you want to adopt every homeless animal. When you think you’re too far gone. When you want to jump off your balcony. When you feel higher than that one time you got your wisdom teeth out and were under anesthesia. When it’s raining and you’re happy. When you’re elated. When you kiss someone you love again. When you’re a girlfriend. When you’re a wife. When your dream doesn’t come true. When you finally let it all go.

 

Love yourself. Somehow find the strength deep down inside to keep going. And remember, it’s all going to be okay.

Today Was Hard

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Today was one of those days. You know the kind; it tests your patience and pushes you to your absolute limit and then nudges you over it all the while laughing manically and stealing all the chocolate.
It started decent. And not the kind of good decent where you can tell that the day will be alright but the kind of decent where your boss spills a whole glass of milk as soon as you walk in the door. We’ve recently stopped putting all the kids down for a morning nap which has made them…a little crazy. Times ten babies? That could rattle even the strongest person’s patience. I ended up staring blankly at the wall by the end of the day looking, I’m sure, as crazy as any of the parents have ever seen me.

I was so drained by the time I got home I walked right into the shower. The water felt so good I cried. For no reason. Cried. (Quick! Hot guy coming! Hide the girl crazy!) (Just kidding dudes, that totally doesn’t happen.) The hot water washed over me while I tried to figure out why I was crying. Sure, the five hours of sleep I had last night might’ve had something to do with it. Or the ten hour day I just had pacifying ten sleepy and teething babies that just wanted to be held. Or my dwindling stash of chocolate. Or because my Forever21 order isn’t in yet. Or because I spent too much money at Target last night.

I stepped out of the shower clean and revived. I sit here now watching the Scrubs episode where Carla has her baby for the millionth time and eating all the chocolate I bought yesterday (thank God) and trying to get Pepper to snuggle. She’s not having it. I feel better. Still might have a drink, later.

You ever have days like this? Can we all just curl up in bed and have a sleepover and only eat popcorn and chocolate and watch Netflix? And now I know what I’m having for dinner.

 

Here’s to a better tomorrow.

 

xx

 

 

How many times did I mention chocolate in this post?

What Are You Doing Now?

Ever since graduating college for real this time, nearly everyone I see asks me, “So, what are you doing now?” Friends, family, church members, acquaintances… all of them are interested in my life. It’s flattering, really. Whether they’re asking to fill the dead air in an awkward conversation or genuinely interested, I am flattered.

So, what am I doing now? I haven’t taken a lot of time lately to update you on the goings-on of my life the past few months. I graduated college after taking two very last minute classes (ugh) to complete my degree. I passed both of them, one of them just barely, and sent all the information to my school to be processed! I didn’t walk the stage again because I did it in May. 🙁 Since then I’ve been enjoying finally being done with school. No more anxiety on Sunday nights realizing I forgot to submit an assignment that is due at midnight. No more hassling with teachers that aren’t willing to help you out. No more writing. No more tests. WEE!

I am still working full time in the daycare. I should be buying a car in the next month or so and then I can finally be semi-independent. 🙂 I sold my car back in the summer and have been saving ever since. So if you know anyone that’s selling a Honda Accord or Civic in the $5000-6000 range let me know. 😉

My tentative plan is to buy a car, find a new job and move to Dallas by May 2014. Easy, right? I’ve been seeking out positions I think I would be happy in and that would feed my passions for blogging, fashion, beauty and the like and I’ve found a couple cool positions. I have applied for several remote blogging jobs part time and full time and hope to hear back about those. It would be a dream to be able to work from home and make extra money while doing my real passion.

As far as music goes I don’t have any leads and I’m not sure how to break into that scene. My passion has always been leading worship and being involved in music in that way, however it’s really who you know. As it is with any job, really. Finding a worship leading position isn’t like searching the want-ads in the paper or Craigslist. I think I’ll plug myself into a church wherever I end up and work from there. I know God has a plan for this passion and I trust that He will lead me where He wants me. That gives me total peace.

When I shared my Dallas plan with my parents they were like, “Cool,” at first. Now, my mom wants me to move to Tyler (35 minutes away and where I attended school. I eye-roll a lot at that.) That was my plan in the beginning: move to Tyler, see my friends graduate, figure it out from there. I understand her reservations about my moving to Dallas: I won’t know anyone. Who will watch my dog if I’m gone overnight? Who will help me if I get a flat tire? I WON’T KNOW ANYONE.

But to me that’s kind of the point, right? I have no ties anymore. I’m single and through with school. Once I buy a car I can go and do anything I want with this time in my life. I am free to get weird jobs and live cheaply. Clean start.

I have nothing against the places I’ve grown up in. They are special to me and I love them dearly. However, I need a new experience. Dallas has always been a dream of mine so why not? It will be scary, sure. I’ll be lonely, yeah. But maybe not. I’ll never know unless I try.

 

So that’s what I am doing now. Figuring it all out. This isn’t some revolutionary blog post about finding the meaning of life in your twenties. This is my life and it’s the dumb things I’m doing to try and be who I am. And to let those of you that are praying for me know more about me and my plans so that you can pray more specifically for me. If you pray for me, thank you. I need it and God has heard you!

 

Happy Monday. 🙂

 

xx

Homecoming

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A few Friday nights ago was my high school’s homecoming, and since my youngest sister is in the band we went to watch! The band is pretty hardcore and the director is the coolest guy. We’re all real proud of Rudy meeting new people and finding something she loves to do! And I guess it was worth it because Shel caught a real expensive football. Even though I understand nothing about football it’s so fun to go to a game and just be a part of a crowd and eat cheap concession food. Texas, right?

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If you’re wondering, we lost.

 

 

Happy Wednesday!

 

x