My Summer 2016 Bucket List

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A couple weeks ago my sister mentioned she was working on her summer bucket list. And by that I mean she was literally knitting, you guys. KNITTING. But it made my ears perk up because 1., I love lists, and 2., I specifically love bucket lists. Not in the before-I-die kinda way, but in the I-want-to-actually-do-stuff way. And since the summer is nigh and I am tired of starting things and not finishing them, I made a summer bucket list! Behold.

  1. Finish my apartment and have a photo shoot. My friend Cait has been roped in to do this and I can’t wait!
  2. Host my first apartment party! (In the works!)
  3. Cross FIVE things off of my Dallas Bucket List(One!)
  4. Buy a bike and ride it! (If $$$.) The sentiment of never forgetting how to ride a bike is true…right? ##12yearssinceirodeoneithink
  5. Visit my sister, Shelby, in Waco and go to Cable Park! (It’s one of the places on my Go To There list!)
  6. Learn to put on false eyelashes. Surprisingly I do not know how to do this. The glue? The eyes? I…I don’t know.
  7. Buy good tennis shoes and start running again! I had to stop a couple months ago because the shoes I have are over six years old and were murdering my knees. I did enjoy it, though!
  8. Spend as much time by a pool as you can! So far, so good! I’ll probably just end up as one big freckle. And I am okay with that. They are adorable.
  9. Paddle board or kayak on White Rock Lake! I think this is a crossover from my Dallas Bucket List. And if it is, that doubles my motivation to do it! Hopefully I’ll gain some killer balance by then..?

 

What do you think? Have you done/been to any of this things? How was Cable Park? I can’t wait to start doing this stuff!

Summer 2016 is going to rule.

 

xx

#DallasToOrlando

 

I’ve thought a lot about this post. What should I say? How should I say it? Should I say anything at all? Am I just adding to the noise? Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe you need to hear this from someone you know in real life. Maybe you need to hear this from someone who is questioning everything just like you. Maybe you need to hear this from someone who is broken-hearted and hurting, too. Maybe you need to hear this because we come from similar backgrounds. Maybe you just need to hear this.

The 49 people that died Sunday morning were targeted because they are gay.

Forty-nine. I honestly still can’t wrap my mind around that. I was 11 in 2001, and though I remember where I was on 9/11, I couldn’t feel what was really happening. I feel it this time. Big time.

I read the news at brunch on Sunday. I was sitting at a table with ten other people, some of which I didn’t know. I thought it was a joke. Am I that desensitized to mass shootings that I don’t immediately feel something now? I turned to my friend Cait and told her. I don’t think either of us knew what to say or do. “Forty-nine?” she asked. “Forty-nine,” I said. I ate my brunch in the sweltering humidity, went home, took a cold shower, and literally collapsed on my couch. I was scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, as you do, and saw an event a friend of mine shared. Someone organized a vigil and a march in Oak Lawn, commonly known here as the gayborhood and the site of nearly 20 attacks on LGBTQ people in the last seven months.

Something in me told me I should go. It was storming hard outside but everyone on the event page said it’d lighten up by 8 when the vigil started. I didn’t ask anyone to go with me and I struggled all afternoon with my reasons for going. How would this look? No one can go with me, though. Can’t I mourn at home? What will people think of me? Selfish thoughts. Ones I’m ashamed to admit. I couldn’t shake the big reason: That this was not okay. And sitting idly by because of a selfish reason is stupid, Melody. Stupid.

My decision to be bolder and more outspoken this year has manifested itself in unique ways. This time, it made me march with my Dallas community in remembrance, sadness and anger. I left my house in the rain and decided quickly that I should buy flowers. I’ve learned to never show up empty handed anywhere. I stopped by my Trader Joe’s and walked in the rain through the front door passing a couple of other people with only flowers, no doubt heading to the same vigil, and stood in front of the shelves. I suddenly realized I was standing in a store, in front of bouquets of flowers, trying to decide which ones to buy to lay on a monument in honor of 49 lives ripped from this earth. My stomach turned. Did it matter if I bought the $3.99, $4.99 or $5.99? Should I spring for the orchid plant? What the hell do I do here? What the hell am I doing here?

I grabbed a bouquet that was colorful. I couldn’t tell you what flowers were in it now. I checked out, fake smiled at the sweet lady who asked me if I needed another bag for my flowers, and walked back out in the rain and headed to the vigil.

As I turned the corner onto Cedar Springs I saw blue and red flashing lights, hundreds of people and rainbow flags. I’m uncomfortable alone and I get anxiety pretty easily in situations like that if I don’t have someone there with me, but I walked up to the edge of the crowd. I wondered if anyone could sense my anxiety. The speeches were just beginning. In the middle of the first speech I noticed my half of the crowd was turned away from the front, towards the sky. Cheers erupted and at first I thought someone got engaged. I looked up and lost my breath.

 

Hope.

 

Standing among the hundreds, and eventually 1,000+, of people in the rain, a beautiful rainbow overhead, honoring forty-nine lives…that will get you in the heart. Quick. At one point, one of the speakers asked all of us to hug someone we were standing next to. I hugged a very thin, tall older man tight. I needed someone to hug in that moment. And I needed someone to hug me. I needed to be reminded for a second that everything was going to be okay. That even though I didn’t fully understand what happened or why I was there or what would happen, everything would be okay. Just for a second.

People lit candles when the speeches ended and we turned around to line up in the street behind a row of cops on bicycles. The news had a helicopter hovering the entire time showing it live for everyone at home. Dozens of photographers. Dozens of cops on bikes, motorcycles, on foot, in cars. Most of our city council was there. The police chief marched with us. I somehow snagged a spot at the front of the herd behind one of the flags. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I should let someone else that was hurting more than me in my spot. Let me in the back. Because I’m straight this shouldn’t affect me as much as it does you. I don’t deserve to be here. What’s that? Guilt? Why?

I walked silently in my Converse holding my flowers and umbrella. The cops blocked off the streets. People came out of their homes to watch us walk. At one point, a couple came out on their third story patio, embracing, with candles lifted up and I nearly lost it. As we got to the more commercial part of Cedar Springs road where all the bars and restaurants are, every business shut off their music and people lined the sidewalks and cheered or stood silently. Two men bought a couple cases of water and were running bottles to those of us on the fringe of the crowd. I cried then. The sheer humanity. People helping people helping people? Maybe everything will be okay.

I didn’t know how long we’d be marching. I got blisters on my heels. 1.8 miles later we arrived at the Legacy of Love monument. I tried to silently prepare myself for the new sites I was about to see. I’ve never done anything like this before. I don’t visit gravesites, I don’t attend vigils, I don’t do marches. I don’t particularly like emotions nor am I good at comforting. I eventually made my way through the crowd of people already at the monument paying respects and the act of what I was doing overwhelmed me. I found a blank spot to lay down my $3.99 Trader Joe’s flowers, broke down, and found a spot to stand alone in the crowd.

Forty-nine people.

Exponentially more are hurting. It could’ve been any one of us. We sang quietly, paid our respects and dispersed after an hour or so. I stood in line for the bus back to the center and quietly sat next to the guy who took a seat next to me. My anxiety of not acknowledging him was covered up in my thoughts and confusion. I got in my car and cried the whole way home.

Because the 49 were gay does that mean we stay silent and not admit to the world that this was horrific? Because they were gay does that mean we don’t grieve with those families? I don’t care what you believe about the “right” and “wrong” of being gay. THIS was wrong. Forty-nine. The youngest was 18. My youngest sister is 17 and when I have a nightmare about her dying I wake up weeping. Someone is living that right now.

The church should not be silent about this. Plain and simple. If we stay silent we’re telling those families their children’s lives were not worth anything. Jesus loved them just as much as He loves me. And I believe He can love it all away. Jesus did not send that shooter. Jesus did not ordain that massacre. It could’ve been any one of us.

Pray. Pray for change and peace and comfort and healing in your own heart and in this world and thank God for His sovereignty. Have hope that things will be okay. But don’t rest in that. Take action. Make change. Do something. Speak out. Love someone. Because love wins. It always will.

 

 

xxx

Getting To Know You: Stephanie

Two years ago I launched this series in an effort to get to know the people I was spending every day with a little deeper. Since moving to Dallas I’ve expanded my small circle just a little bit wider. I’m bringing this series back to highlight the relationships in my life that influence me. You can read more about the beginning of this series here and here and read all of the posts in it here.

Two years ago when I was starting the process of rebuilding my life with no job and trying to finish school, I kept begging my friends that sang as paid singers in the local Presbyterian church to put in a good word for me. Or quit and let me have their spot. In the fall of 2014 I finally snagged a spot and sat in a room full of mostly strangers for a month or so before Stephanie decided I looked cool enough to befriend. She literally walked up to me one day and we’ve been friends ever since. She still tells me that I looked like I’d be a good person to know, so she decided to know me. Makes me feel all fuzzy.

This is how I picture her. Constantly laughing so loud other tables look over at us. That or stone faced after telling me some stupid joke. Stephanie teaches middle school and god bless her amirite. She currently lives back in east Texas but is MOVING TO DALLAS THIS SUMMER! ‘Bout time.

The day these photos were taken we shut down a local coffee shop without realizing it. I just thought everyone was leaving because we were unbearably loud. “Can we help you ladies with anything else? We’re actually closed.” Oh. My b.

Stephanie laughs louder than anyone I know. She knows how to have a good time and sometimes forces me to do things I wouldn’t have done without her. I confided in her about my entire life and she’s never once judged me, but sympathized with me and shared just as much back with me. We don’t see each other regularly, but she’s one of those friends that feels like you just saw her yesterday. It’s always comfortable and familiar with her. Anyone who knows her feels that about her. I remember when we were both singing in the Presbyterian choir we could look at each other and not stop laughing because we were thinking the exact same thing. We were eventually separated. #classic

I appreciate that she can text me or call me up anytime and be down to hang. Reliable, funny, and challenging. My friend! Can’t wait until you move here!

Love you!

 

xx

Getting To Know You: A New Introduction

Remember a year and a half ago when I did a series on this blog called Getting To Know You where I interviewed my friends? Believe it or not, I’ve met a lot of new people since then. Moving to a city will do that to a person. So it’s about time I brought it back!

This series started because I wanted to document the friendships I had at that time in my life. (You can read more about why I originally started the series here.) Those are still the reasons! But more than that, dealing with anxiety brings a whole mess of its own issues and this series forces me to spend one-on-one time with those that I might normally do that with and those that I wouldn’t. It forces me to be comfortable in a possibly uncomfortable situation.

I’m working on a lot of stuff right now, the main one being getting plugged into a city where I only know a handful of people. (The majority of whom I work with.) I want this series to give me an excuse of sorts to snap photos of new people and to engage in conversations with them. Plus I just really like hanging out with people. So there’s that, too.

 

I can’t promise it’ll be on a weekly schedule like it was the first time, but it’ll be happening on the reg, I guarantee it.

Dallas Bucket List: Good Records

I am CRUSHING my bucket list rn. Good Records has been on my list for a while. You wouldn’t believe how close all of my bucket list items are to my house. I know, I know. This place is, like, 3 minutes away. IN MY DEFENSE, they’re doing construction on Greenville where this is and they literally took the street out. So. Yeah.

This last Saturday was apparently Record Store Day, which I wouldn’t have known unless I had gone to a different record store the day before in Bishop Arts knocking yet another item off my bucket list. (post to come!)

I’m really bummed I didn’t get any photos of the outside. Good Records had free beer, DJs in the back part, and everyone was partying out front in the parking lot. We stayed to see Sarah Jaffe (local Denton musician) and Justin Townes Earle perform. I was literally standing in front of Justin Townes Earle during his set and we made eye contact a few times so we’re bffs now.

I felt too intrusive snapping a photo of his face, while he’s performing, me standing right in front of him. So I just snapped that one of his feet before he started. He’ll thank me later.

I didn’t snag any records here that day, but the day before I scored four records for $1 a piece in Bishop Arts and quadrupled my collection.

 

I’m a slow starter.

 

xx

Experiencing Dallas: The Omni + A Mavs Game

Sometimes good things happen before you break up with someone who’s the worst. This is my story.
Did that seriously sound like the intro to a terrible MTV drama? NAILED IT.

First part of the night, the three of us went to a Mavs game which was amazing and fun and cool and we had excellent seats. Kalie and I couldn’t take it seriously and he didn’t necessarily dig that. After that, we went to Deep Ellum for pizza.

Long story short, I caught him texting another girl in front of me, then he lied about it. *eyeroll* Mama didn’t raise no fool, so I said, “ADIOS, SUCKER!” and took my BFF on the best date we’ve ever had. (Am I the internet version of Taylor Swift? Bashing my exes? Don’t mess with me. I’ll blog about you.)

I couldn’t believe there was a TV in the mirror. I’m so fancy.

We ordered cookies and ice cream at 3 AM and stayed up all night watching cable, since neither of us have it, and talking. Best night ever.

Here’s to cookies and ice cream in bed forever.

 

 

xx