Ohhh, hai!


Well, I thought it was about time I updated you on the last four months of my life since you’ve so clearly been missing out on them. Wait…how do I blog again? Oh, I think I remember.


The last we spoke I told you how to deal with living alone being an extrovert. Remember in 2015 when I was losing my mind with that breakup and depression? Yeah. 2015 was probably not a good year for me EXCEPT the fact that I moved to Dallas. Save for that, 2015 was pretty shot. 2016 got a whole lot better when I started going to therapy and finally got on some happy pills. $6? Don’t mind if I do! I gave up dating, cut out toxic relationships and painted my house. For a hot second I thought about going to grad school for my MBA, but then scrapped it when I completely forgot about doing it. I threw myself a birthday party with all of my friends, since my big 25 kinda came and went. I made a list of things I wanted to learn and jobs I wanted to do. I adopted another dog, but you already knew that. I started working with Paws in the City as their Digital Pet Profile Coordinator, which is really just a fancy title for managing the volunteer writers. Recently, they asked me to help with their massive social media so I now run their Instagram and Twitter! Remember when I said two seconds ago I wrote a list of stuff I wanted to learn? Guess what was on there? Social media. BOOM, two weeks later Amy from PITC calls me to add me to their team. What’s funny is I started following them a year before I even moved to Dallas. I loved their mission and their work in the city and wondered what it’d be like to work with them. Well, now I do and I can say it’s pretty great.

In October, I went to a meeting my friend Josh was leading a community meeting to talk about LGBTQ youth homelessness in Dallas. I went just to learn, and came away a member of the Marketing/PR team. What a wacko night that was! Four months later we’ve launched an entire organization and I now run the entire Marketing/PR team with some pretty kickass talented people. What even is my life now? Oh, by the way? We’re Outlast Youth and we exist to reduce and prevent LGBTQ youth homelessness in Dallas and its surrounding counties by 2020 and you should totally join our Thunderclap awareness campaignAlso? Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I’ll love you forever if you do it. Seriously.

I’m so excited to dive into this thing. Six months ago I had no idea LGBTQ youth homelessness was even a *thing* you know? But now, I’m like, fighting it. I’m interviewing transgender people and former homeless youth and meeting people I’d have had no contact with ever if it weren’t for Josh and this organization. It’s exciting and so, so fun.

Also last year, I quit dating altogether for about seven months. It was the happiest and most freeing seven months of my adult life, I think. I was so sick of constantly searching for someone and then feeling like no one out there could be what I wanted. I was a washing machine. I’d date someone for a bit and they’d get on my nerves and I’d spit them out. (Do washing machines do that? Whatever. You get it.) It felt so good to delete all of those self-centered dating apps and cut out the toxicity of constantly being sexualized. I think I finally remade my account the week of Thanksgiving. I went on a few dates with a guy but it just wasn’t right. When I finally met Paden, I don’t think I could delete my accounts again fast enough. Our beginning is kind of funny, but that’s a story for another day. For now, look at this photo of us and puke at how cute we are.


Yep. That’s us cuddling a puppy. I mean, come on.


The short of it is, I haven’t been this balanced and happy in a very long time. I’m stable for probably the very first time in my ENTIRE life and I can’t believe I lived so disjointed for 25 years. It hurt, but if that pain is what I needed to get me here I can deal with that. I’m doing things I can finally put my heart into. I’m learning new stuff every day and I have a boyfriend I have no anxiety or doubts about for the first time probably ever. I’ve been fighting and hurting for a long time.

Hello, happy. I like you.




The Gal Nextdoor

Dating at any age isn’t easy. You’re looking for that one person out of billions that compliments your personality, your quirks, your morals and beliefs. You want that one person that makes you a better one just by being with them. Some people, like four of my friends, are lucky enough to have found that person in high school and are happily married now. But what happens after you date for three years only to find the ones that leave you worse off than before you began? What happens when you find out that some people think you owe them your love?

For example, one of my favorite websites I’ve discovered since moving to Dallas is called Nextdoor, a website designed to connect you only to people in your neighborhood and/or the surrounding ones. A few days ago I posted my West Elm rug for sale on this site and not too long after I got a private message from a guy just about my age. “Cool rug Melody. Not interested in it but thought it was pretty cool.” After I thanked him, he immediately took that as an opportunity to ask why and how I moved to Dallas, about my life, what I do, where I hang out. In the eighteen hours we messaged, he asked me out three times. The third time I turned him down because I already had plans, he snapped at me. “I’ll just quit trying then,” he said. “What?” I asked. Four hours later, he asked me if I was even interested in meeting him. “I have no interest in dating you. I’ve been busy every time you’ve asked me out.” He claimed he had no interest in dating, either, and that he was probably being annoying but wasn’t trying to be. Right here was the first time he tried evoking sympathy from me. After I called him on snapping at me, he told me that once I meet him and “hear his story, things like that will make more sense.” I ignored that and reluctantly agreed to meet.

So I said yes. And then the next morning, no. (HOORAY! BACKBONE!) Specifically, “Hey! I know this is rude because I’ve already agreed to hang out, but I’m very uncomfortable meeting. I don’t think your intentions when you messaged me on Nextdoor were just friendly. We don’t even know each other and you snapped at me for not being available enough to you. I don’t owe anyone my time or conversation. Good luck in school! I wish you the best.” The second time he tried evoking sympathy was when he told me that this was nothing new to him because every woman leaves him. When I again told him no one owes him a date, he claimed all he ever wanted was friendship and that I obviously don’t want anything to do with him. That’s the third attempt to elicit sympathy from me, if you’re keeping score at home.

You see, the problem with this is, well, a lot of things. First, no matter how pure he perceived his initial intentions when he messaged me, they were not. Six years ago, or even probably one year ago, I’d have fallen for it. I’d have said yes, met the guy at Chipotle because he doesn’t drink, and hated myself for all of it. The problem with Gary* is that he expects anyone (girl) to say yes. That because he took the time out of his day to send me an unsolicited message, I owe him some sort of token. A date, my body, my conversation, my sympathy, my love. Second, the problem isn’t just Gary’s. It’s generational. There are countless stories just like mine. I’m limited to the scope of my generation, but I’d be willing to bet this is just a people problem. Third, Gary was disrespectful. So much so in fact, that he didn’t want me staying committed to the plans I’d already made before he ever messaged me. He didn’t respect my time enough to let it be just that. Mine. He had already claimed my time as his own before meeting me.

2016 Melody won’t stand for this. I’ll let 2014, 2015 and early 2016 Melodys speak for themselves.


2014 Melody was unstable. And by unstable I mean I dated a guy that flat out told me in a Papacita’s that he wasn’t done cheating on any of his girlfriends just yet. I squirmed in my seat and my brain literally blocked those words out and didn’t let them process. I intentionally ignored everything he was saying because I wanted to believe he was good. You know what? I STUCK AROUND. He made wild promises about the future, mentioning marriage and a house and even named one of our future kids Thomas. He’d have red hair like me and long eyelashes like him. (I’m serious, you guys. This was my life.) A month later when he broke the shocking news to me that I was not the only broad in his life, I couldn’t believe it. When he looked me in the eye in White Rock Coffee smelling of cologne and dressed for a date with another girl and told me he’d been seeing her for two years, my body literally turned rigid. How could he? I loved him! Didn’t he love me?

The next day, I’d set up an appointment at the Apple store where he used to work and talked about all.the.time. because my iPhone’s lock button was broken. Coincidentally (NOT), this other girl worked there, too! (No wonder he talked about it all the time!) You know what ol’ boy did? Told her I was coming so she could handle my appointment. He set up his two girls so they could meet. Isn’t that sweet?

2014 me was dependent. My formative years were spent dating someone else. A serial monogamist, some would say. So when I met my ex-husband, I thought it was the natural next step. Get married! Have kids! Be happy! I desperately wanted those things to come true, I just didn’t know you had to work at them. When everything finally fell apart, I was able to see just what I was: a co-dependent child that hadn’t done anything for herself. That might be a little harsh, I mean, I did finish school on my own, bought my own cars, took care of a dog. But emotionally, I was stunted. For whatever reason, a relationship was the only way I knew how to be whole. Course I wouldn’t come to fully realize this until a little while later. And not really until I’d dated all these other yahoos.


2015 me was alright. I’d dated a very professional lawyer that doted on me, saved and bought a new car and was finally saving to move to Dallas. After Lawyer, I was in my first serious relationship after the divorce in ’13 and was learning a lot, even though he was dealing with his own divorce. I loved him, he loved me and we did the best we could. I learned how not to be passive aggressive. I learned how to better communicate, how to express to someone I loved that what they were doing was hurting me. I got to experience what it was like to date someone not living in my parents’ house (!!!). I had someone to rely on, someone to call when things got hard and someone to complain to about how lonely it was moving to a new city. When we broke up, I learned again how to deal with heartache, this time on my own. I learned how to reach out and ask for professional help when talking it out with friends and family just wasn’t cutting it. I learned how to let go and forgive. I learned even more about what I need in a partner. I learned that breakups can be healthy and they can be really good for you. A really shocking revelation to me at the time as a co-dependent person.

Honestly, I still attribute a lot of my growth to this dude. Even though he’s long gone and we’re not even in the same city, I’m afraid I’d still be just like 2014 Melody if it weren’t for him. So thanks, Jon.

Late 2015 Melody, though, that’s a different story. As a classic serial monogamist/co-dependent gal since age 14, (I know) I started dating someone “seriously” three weeks after my nearly nine month long, very serious relationship. Totally healthy. He was kind, affectionate and generous, but constantly left me places alone if his mother called. We were waiting for a table once at a nice restaurant in the middle of a conversation when his phone rang and he excused himself for ten minutes while I stood inside alone. This happened at least twice every.time.we.went.out. Two months in, I caught him texting another girl all the time. He claimed she was a friend (a good Facebook stalking revealed they had seriously dated for over a year) and vowed to stop talking to her if it made me uncomfortable. A month later, when I caught him again, he got very quiet when I asked if she knew he was dating someone. When I broke up with him the next day, he told me not to think that it was my fault. Great! I feel so much better that you texting another girl isn’t my fault. Whew!

He taught me that I was not a top priority. Leaving me alone places to answer a phone call or letting his phone light up with another girl’s name taught me that I was not enough for him. By this time, at least, I’d learned enough to know that I am worth something and had the guts to break it off.


Early 2016 Melody isn’t much better. There was the time I met someone and three days later they moved four boxes and three duffel bags into my house behind my back, the time someone abandoned me at a concert at midnight without my keys in what used to be a bad part of the city, the time someone else wanted to marry me after knowing me for four days, that time the same person told me I was the biggest girl he’d ever dated but he “didn’t date ugly girls” then showed me a full body nude of his ex, the countless times I was emotionally manipulated and called worthless, in so many terms, and the time a guy told me I shouldn’t be on a dating site if I wasn’t ready to get married. (Those sound really traumatic when you string them all together like that. Woof.)

Now, look. I’m not blameless here. Yeah, a lot, and I do mean a lot, of the guys I have dated are not good for me, but I chose to be with them. I chose to put myself in those situations. There were red flags in the very beginning of ALL of these “relationships” that I willingly chose to ignore because I thought that’s what I deserved. That’s what my divorce taught me; it shamed me into thinking I deserved someone that didn’t really love me, someone that wouldn’t show up for me and someone that wouldn’t fight for me. I let that become my reality and my idea of self-worth. I played into the manipulation and games with men nearly ten years older than me in some cases and counted that as love and commitment.

No one in these stories is blameless, but these guys deserve an emotionally healthy life just like I do. I want the person that doesn’t believe anyone will love him to realize that he’s already loved. I want the person that treats women like objects to realize what a treasure people are. I want that person that abandons their girlfriend in a restaurant to realize that some things can wait. I believe that everyone is worthy. Maybe that’s just me being sappy to a fault, but I think that’s true. No one on this planet is inherently worthless.

So, how, if you aren’t inherently bold like me, do you break the cycle?

First step, realize you’re worth. Realize you’re worth something more than whatever person said you were worth. If someone called you dirt, realize you’re the flowers coming out of that dirt.

Second step, let that permeate every part of your being. It’ll bleed out into everything you say and do, and when someone steps to you like Gary here, you’ll have the courage to step right back to them. No one, listen to me, no one gets to tell you what you’re worth. Do you hear me? No one.

The last step? Surround yourself with people that lift you up. People that’ll fight with you and for you against those that call you something other than worthy. Real friends that encourage you, believe in you, love you. The ones that’ll drive three hours in Temple, TX traffic to see you for one day. The ones that’ll still love you after everything you used to be, especially when you were 2006 Melody. (Yikes.) Surround yourself with people like that.


Current 2016 Melody is good. Really good. I deleted my profiles off of both of the dating apps I had, blocked numbers I shouldn’t be texting, spoke into the universe that I was fully single, and asked God to make my heart stone for a little while. Just until I was ready, really ready, to date again. It’s been about six months since then and despite missing that emotional connection, I’m okay. I’ve realized that I can want to love someone and know that I’m just not ready. I’ve realized that I can pour myself into my friendships instead. I can have year long crushes on someone without acting on it. Most importantly, I can be happy sitting alone on my couch at night.

In the end, know that you are loved. Even if only by me, someone on the internet whose writing you’re reading. But most, most, most importantly? Love yourself.


Love you.




*name changed to maintain anonymity. still a dumb name, though.



Sometimes we aren’t loved the way we want to be.

You know what I mean?

So often as single people we get too caught up in being romantically loved by someone else. We hunt and search for that one person who makes us light up. We look for someone to give all of our love to. But while we’re doing that we’re missing it. We space on those that love us ​right now.​ Friends, family, coworkers, Jesus, church family, the waiter at that restaurant you frequent. We use up all of our energy ​looking​ when our efforts and love can be spent right in front of us on the people that love us in the ​now. 

I don’t want to be like that. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen others’ unprecedented love for me expressed lately. I know it’s God reminding me that I already am loved. Even if I’m not ready to date right now and that marriage is the furthest thing from my mind. I’m already loved.

A couple months ago I started kind of mindlessly realizing that if I want to be a good wife someday I have to learn how to love. Which implies I never really learned how. I’ve always been a selfish lover. (Ew, and I don’t mean that in a gross way GUTTER MIND.) I “loved” so that others would “love” me back. But that’s not what love is. Love is selfless. It’s genuine and patient and giving. It doesn’t expect anything in return. (How tough is that one?) Love doesn’t play games.

It’s no secret that I want to move to Dallas. Because I’m a bulldog when it comes to my dreams I convinced myself not to put any roots down in Tyler. That meant no new friends, no new job, no new anything. The exact opposite happened. I started working at both of the stores in Tyler and when I did that? An entirely new world of Godly women was given to me. My prayer of years was finally answered. Godly girlfriends. I cannot tell you how incredibly happy I am at my job. I work with my friends. I work with people who genuinely love me and want to see me succeed. It’s truly amazing.

These are roots. These are the things I told God I didn’t want because why would I if I’m just going to move to Dallas eventually? Thank GOD He doesn’t listen to our selfishness, am I right?

God is giving me a chance to learn how to love. Platonically. Because if I can’t love other people, how can I love my husband?

Sometimes we aren’t loved the way we want. But we’re loved the way we need. Don’t overlook the ones that love you right now. Don’t miss investing in the people around you. Don’t miss loving them.

Life is Funny

Life is funny.

When this year started I had plans. Ridiculous plans that I thought would make me happy and ‘fix’ all the things wrong with my life and myself. Like repairing my broken marriage, moving to Tyler, finding a high paying job that I didn’t really care for.

It’s the end of December and I’ve done none of those things. I’m still divorced (and happy), I still live at home, and I have TWO paying jobs that I love. I’m happy. And I never saw it coming.

I fell in love again and was broken-hearted again. I learned how to feel and how to love in a Godly way and how to let go. I learned that it’s okay to eat Italian food with your two girlfriends when a guy stands you up on a date with no explanation and then want to kiss the waitress when she brings you free cheesecake and says, “He doesn’t deserve you,” and then want to hug the waiter when he comes by and says how the waitress asked everyone in the kitchen if she should do it and everyone told her, “YES.” (Oh and then obvi block the guy. Duh.)

I’m still learning how to do what is best for me without constantly trying to people please. And not letting someone else’s potential thoughts about my decision affect my decision. I’m still learning to listen to that nagging voice in the back of my mind, cause guess what? She’s (almost) always right. I’m learning that what I want and what God wants aren’t lining up just right because I’m still selfish. (But, OH, do I want them to line up.) I’m still learning how to deal with boredom and that it’s really okay to be alone.

I have no plans for 2015. Well, I mean I have plans because I’m a planner and a doer, but realistically I know God is going to yank me out of them kicking and screaming and do what He wants and I’ll be happier than I ever imagined. Refining fire and all that.

I don’t know why I felt compelled to share this. Dating is weird. And hard. But I’ve seen a lot of Jesus in it. I’ve learned a lot about who I am in Him, really, when things get hard. You have these fantasies of cussing someone out when they pull out in front of you and you t-bone them, but when the adrenaline is pumping and you’re on the side of the road alone you find out who you are. Who you really are.

And who I am is a daughter of the King.


I am His.
I am His.
I am His.


Where to begin?

I’ve been absent from this blog for over three months, and, like I always say, it was not on purpose. I miss the dumb ol’ blog. How have you guys been? Any neat things happen? SOUNDS GREAT.

So I guess I’ll start here:

In August I became the loneliest I’ve ever been.

During the months of September and October I was seeing someone. (You’re all like, whaaaat!) Before September I had been the loneliest I have ever been in my entire life. It was familiar and easy to emotionally be alone and throw myself into things and events to occupy my time instead of dealing with the loneliness. It goes much deeper than that. I don’t remember many significant periods of time in my life that I’ve been single. Granted, I got married at 20 so I had only been “dating” for about six years. And two of those were with my husband. So when I got divorced it was a bigger adjustment than I initially realized. So in August I let myself slip down into it. I prayed for God to send me someone or send me friends–to intervene. And He did. I met someone I really liked and fell hard for. Over the next few weeks I would put into practice all the things I swore I’d do the next time I dated someone. Breaking old habits and all that.

I spent a lot of time in Dallas (which further confirmed my love for that city, btw) and got to know the person I was seeing, and also myself. The loneliness dissipated and despite being with him I felt independent. I grew more as a person very quickly.

But it ended, obviously, and I learned even more about myself. During the last week of the relationship I felt myself detach expecting the end and began to let go, though my incessant optimism and inability to let things go thought things would continue. When it finally (really) ended I spent a lot of time snuggling with my mom and feeling myself start to slip down again. The first week I questioned God. I couldn’t understand why I would even meet this person if they weren’t going to stay in my life longer than two months. What was the point of all of those tiny little situations leading up to meeting him if things weren’t going to last? What was the point of driving back and forth to Dallas? What was the point? What. Was. The. Point?

Another week went by and I realized the point: I now know exactly what I want. (And I have no idea who the guy is that wrote that blog post but it made me cry, so.) I recognized those patterns in myself that need to be left behind and never practiced again. I recognized the loneliness that so easily creeps back up and I’ve figured out how to stop it. I know even more of who I am though I thought I already did.

I’ve also realized that I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to be married. I’m closer than I was three months ago but I know I still have some learning to do. It excites and also terrifies me because learning means there are things inside me I haven’t discovered yet that need to be dealt with. But I know the how the victory feels, and that makes me ready.

So right now I’m sitting on the couch, in an empty house, with a bottle of wine. (Totally NOT drinking from the bottle.) Alone. And I am completely and utterly content.





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In Texas, we don’t really have spring. It goes basically fall to summer with four random snow and ice days in March and April, if we’re lucky. Despite all that, “spring” just breathes new life into everything and everyone. For me, I feel like a completely brand new person. I know I haven’t shared much of what God’s been doing with me in great length, so I feel it’s time to share with you. My hope and prayer is that someone will be encouraged, and I feel that with the urgency I feel to share it that someone will be. So. Here goes.

2013 was rough. Scratch that. It was my hell on earth. There were days I didn’t want to wake up or move or breathe or think. Depression hit me deep. I was lost and in the darkest place physically, spiritually and mentally I’ve ever been in. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I felt like a shell. An empty one at that. I moved in with my parents in January of last year. (I’ll save that story for another time. :P) Suffice it to say there were many changes within that tiny month of January. “A new start” doesn’t even begin to describe the beginning of my year.

For the first months of that year I spent my days in constant prayer and most of my commutes home were spent in tears crying out to God asking Him what to do. Desperate and utterly and completely helpless I fell flat on my face repeatedly screaming for Him to show me something. To show me who I am in Him and how He saw me. At the beginning of March last year something shifted. I remember being in bed one night and hearing God tell me to ask Him out loud to take over and take the burden away. I’ve always had such trouble verbalizing my feelings so God asking me to do this made it that much more significant. When I asked Him out loud to take the weight I felt so light I immediately fell asleep. Jesus took that weight of shame and depression completely off of me and gave me peace. For the first time in my life I felt the peace of Jesus and knew who the Prince of Peace is. The months that followed were still hard and sad and emotionally scarring. But I had peace. Peace that God knew what He was doing and peace that I finally knew my worth in Him. I am beautiful. I am His.

When 2014 rolled in I was blissfully happy. I was still settling in to my new self, but by the end of February I was as content as I ever remember being. Peaceful. As we head into summer I just feel grateful and worshipful all day every day for what God did in my life. I’ve been through the season of rebirth and now I’m in the season of gratitude and witnessing. I am ready.

If you are lost and in darkness and don’t know your worth in Jesus, I beg you to fall on your face and ask Him to show you. He will not hesitate. Be encouraged that Jesus sees you right where you are. Ask Him. You are loved. You are seen. You are not alone.