Life is funny.
When this year started I had plans. Ridiculous plans that I thought would make me happy and ‘fix’ all the things wrong with my life and myself. Like repairing my broken marriage, moving to Tyler, finding a high paying job that I didn’t really care for.
It’s the end of December and I’ve done none of those things. I’m still divorced (and happy), I still live at home, and I have TWO paying jobs that I love. I’m happy. And I never saw it coming.
I fell in love again and was broken-hearted again. I learned how to feel and how to love in a Godly way and how to let go. I learned that it’s okay to eat Italian food with your two girlfriends when a guy stands you up on a date with no explanation and then want to kiss the waitress when she brings you free cheesecake and says, “He doesn’t deserve you,” and then want to hug the waiter when he comes by and says how the waitress asked everyone in the kitchen if she should do it and everyone told her, “YES.” (Oh and then obvi block the guy. Duh.)
I’m still learning how to do what is best for me without constantly trying to people please. And not letting someone else’s potential thoughts about my decision affect my decision. I’m still learning to listen to that nagging voice in the back of my mind, cause guess what? She’s (almost) always right. I’m learning that what I want and what God wants aren’t lining up just right because I’m still selfish. (But, OH, do I want them to line up.) I’m still learning how to deal with boredom and that it’s really okay to be alone.
I have no plans for 2015. Well, I mean I have plans because I’m a planner and a doer, but realistically I know God is going to yank me out of them kicking and screaming and do what He wants and I’ll be happier than I ever imagined. Refining fire and all that.
I don’t know why I felt compelled to share this. Dating is weird. And hard. But I’ve seen a lot of Jesus in it. I’ve learned a lot about who I am in Him, really, when things get hard. You have these fantasies of cussing someone out when they pull out in front of you and you t-bone them, but when the adrenaline is pumping and you’re on the side of the road alone you find out who you are. Who you really are.
And who I am is a daughter of the King.
I am His.
I am His.
I am His.