Where to begin?
I’ve been absent from this blog for over three months, and, like I always say, it was not on purpose. I miss the dumb ol’ blog. How have you guys been? Any neat things happen? SOUNDS GREAT.
So I guess I’ll start here:
In August I became the loneliest I’ve ever been.
During the months of September and October I was seeing someone. (You’re all like, whaaaat!) Before September I had been the loneliest I have ever been in my entire life. It was familiar and easy to emotionally be alone and throw myself into things and events to occupy my time instead of dealing with the loneliness. It goes much deeper than that. I don’t remember many significant periods of time in my life that I’ve been single. Granted, I got married at 20 so I had only been “dating” for about six years. And two of those were with my husband. So when I got divorced it was a bigger adjustment than I initially realized. So in August I let myself slip down into it. I prayed for God to send me someone or send me friends–to intervene. And He did. I met someone I really liked and fell hard for. Over the next few weeks I would put into practice all the things I swore I’d do the next time I dated someone. Breaking old habits and all that.
I spent a lot of time in Dallas (which further confirmed my love for that city, btw) and got to know the person I was seeing, and also myself. The loneliness dissipated and despite being with him I felt independent. I grew more as a person very quickly.
But it ended, obviously, and I learned even more about myself. During the last week of the relationship I felt myself detach expecting the end and began to let go, though my incessant optimism and inability to let things go thought things would continue. When it finally (really) ended I spent a lot of time snuggling with my mom and feeling myself start to slip down again. The first week I questioned God. I couldn’t understand why I would even meet this person if they weren’t going to stay in my life longer than two months. What was the point of all of those tiny little situations leading up to meeting him if things weren’t going to last? What was the point of driving back and forth to Dallas? What was the point? What. Was. The. Point?
Another week went by and I realized the point: I now know exactly what I want. (And I have no idea who the guy is that wrote that blog post but it made me cry, so.) I recognized those patterns in myself that need to be left behind and never practiced again. I recognized the loneliness that so easily creeps back up and I’ve figured out how to stop it. I know even more of who I am though I thought I already did.
I’ve also realized that I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to be married. I’m closer than I was three months ago but I know I still have some learning to do. It excites and also terrifies me because learning means there are things inside me I haven’t discovered yet that need to be dealt with. But I know the how the victory feels, and that makes me ready.
So right now I’m sitting on the couch, in an empty house, with a bottle of wine. (Totally NOT drinking from the bottle.) Alone. And I am completely and utterly content.
2 thoughts on “SPARKS”
It took me a really long time to understand how to be content and not anxious in my own loneliness. And in doing so, I was able to relax and let love find me, as you had intended, but in the best way possible.
I wish you all the best of luck in life and love, but mostly in life. Because you’re stuck with yourself even when you have someone to distract you–it’s good to figure out how to be okay with that first. 🙂
Thank you, Jennifer! That is so sweet. And you’re right! We are stuck with ourselves so we better get to know us pretty well. 🙂
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