When I was younger I NEVER thought of myself as pretty or popular or as having anything to offer anyone else. I was “friends” with the “popular” kids and “friends” with everyone else. I never was-and never will be-the girl who all the guys fawn over or all the girls want to go shopping with. I’m the girl who watches Flight of the Conchords and The Golden Girls and whose idea of a good time is cleaning house and cooking dinner and being in a quiet house on my laptop. But, when we moved a couple of neighborhoods over my 3rd grade year I met my best friend. We were virtually inseparable. Like sisters, if you will. Later, we became best friends with two other wonderful girls and our two-some became a four-some. We were close all the way through our freshman year in high school. I loved those girls. Though I had two sisters, I replaced my sisters with those girls. But, as some relationships do, those friendships faded out. Fortunately, God showed me some new friends. These friends had the same humor, liked the same foods, and got my jokes. They developed more of who I am today. But the relationships themselves were shallow. Don’t get me wrong, I had some good times with those people and I consider them friends of mine, but there was no spiritual support for me. No deeper connection other than our similar humors and that we liked some of the same things. But yet again, those too, faded out.

I don’t regret any of those friendships because God used the friendship famines to bring my sister and me closer together. I realized that the friend I had been searching for had been my flesh and blood all along. A couple of years later, Jason came, and every day since then I am more baffled by just how well he knows me and just how much we are alike. Sometimes we can’t stand it but mostly, we just smile a knowing smile and squeeze each other tightly.

I haven’t felt that longing for friendship in a long time, but when Jason and I were at dinner the other night, there were 3 young couples out on a date together laughing and talking about life together and I couldn’t help that painful longing for another couple to appear across the table from us. I love my time alone with Jason but we’re both pretty much loners when it comes to friends. We have friends, but not friends.

I’ve started a book called “Before I Fall” (not a Christian book by any means. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.) about four girlfriends going through their senior year of high school. I’m barely into the book and can’t help but wonder what my high school years would look like had I closer friends like that going through the things I went through. Would I be a different person? How would my life have developed? No doubt God didn’t screw up by not giving me close friends in high school. He had a plan to draw me nearer my family and to stumble upon Jason at a bible study.

I can’t describe that feeling I felt in the restaurant that night. I wanted so badly to have another couple who was just like us. People who were embarrassingly goofy and awkward and who didn’t have enough sense to quit acting like idiots long enough to look at the menu. We joke with each other and our families about how we don’t have any friends but deep down I know it’s true for me. When I think about our wedding showers parts of me think about all the fun we’ll have but the other part of me thinks, “who’s going to come?” That probably sounds superficial and shallow but it’s what I think. I honestly wish I had more friends than I do, but maybe God is preparing me for something. Maybe being out in Cowtown, TX will be quieter than I think it’s going to be.

I guess there’s no real point to this post except that I miss something I’ve never really had. Do you have a best friend who supports you spiritually, emotionally, or comically?


2 thoughts on “Friends

  1. I don’t know who this other Jason you are talking about but I have friends they just all moved away and I away from them. 🙁

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