Am I in love?

Evening, y’all. Something has become pretty burdensome on my heart lately, and I’d just like to share!

Lately I’ve come to realize just how much I am in love with Jason. I love every single thing about him. I love the way he just knows me without me having to explain myself or what I’m trying to say. I love the way he smells and how he looks every time I see him. I love his car, his home (and how that will be OUR home). I love his heart. I love his love for me and how it penetrates me. I love how he is so dramatically perfect for me in every way. I love how instead of losing a bachelor pad, he is gaining a wife. I love how he is JUST as excited to marry me as I am him. I love how he is just as emotional as me and how tender his sweet heart is. I could go on forever!

Several family reunions ago, my parents were being their usual lovey-dovey mushy selves. One of our family members came over as I was gawking and doing the usual pre-love scoffing and said, “That is true love.” That’s always stuck with me. Since that moment, and subliminally moments before then, I’ve wanted what my parents have: true love. They have that kind of love that’s not portrayed in movies and isn’t real popular. The kind of love that lasts for years after the honeymoon. The kind of love that makes people wonder why they aren’t that happy. I never knew what that felt like until I laid my eyes on Jason for the very first time. Since our very first date I have never had a heart so full of love to give someone on this earth. And it’s gotten me thinking…

Do I love God that much?

I’m so in love with Jason. I’ve fallen head over heels for him and am willing to do whatever it takes to keep our marriage intact. But lately I’ve been convicted. Am I in love with God?

Am I willing to do whatever it takes to keep my relationship with Him intact? Am I willing to sacrifice time for myself to spend it with Him? Do I long to see His face every hour of the day? Do I pine for his attention and give things of value to Him?

I had to answer that question with a big, fat no. Comparing this meager earthly love with Jason to the my personal relationship with Christ is kind of embarrassing. I honestly put so much worth, work, and time into my upcoming marriage that I sort of put Jesus on my back burner. Ouch.

I imagine myself as this sweet, loving, Christ-like wife in our beautiful Laneville home. But, honestly, how can I become that woman if I resist in forming her now?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Jesus! I honestly do! Yeah, it’s a different kind of love that my love for Jason. What I’m really trying to say is, do I love Him as much as I love Jason? And that is another no. It’s a hard truth I’ve come to realize. And it pains me to say it! It’s embarrassing for me as a wife, woman, and Christian. But I know I cannot be the only one battling this issue.

Christ literally gives me each breath I take and every thought I think. How can I not love Him so much? It’s something I will be praying about and asking Him to allow my heart to love Him as much as I see myself loving Jason. It’s tough. And I may never reach it. But it’s something God has laid on my heart and I felt compelled to share. 🙂