Have you ever felt insignificant? Like God didn’t pay any attention to you? Join the club.
(First off, let me say, sometimes I get downhearted looking at other blogs. They always have something profound to say or something extremely theological. So, here is my attempt at making my meager life encourage you or make you think.)
I dislike using my upcoming marriage in so many blogs but it’s surfacing all kinds of decisions and thoughts I just have to use it. 🙂
70% of my daily thoughts are consumed with wedding plans. The rest is consumed with what I will do once I’m married. I have to go somewhere to finish school, but we hate to move because of our incredible setup we have. (Jason works for a small school as their IT director and they gave him a gorgeous FREE house. I know!) Stephen F. Austin University is only 25 minutes away from our home but I’ve never wanted to go there and from what I’ve heard about their music staff, they aren’t very kind to commuting students. If we do move, we will both have to find jobs to support us and our new rent and all of our other monthly bills. I know this sort of sounds crazy, but our wedding is less than nine months away, so I can’t help but freak when I think about these sorts of things. I feel like God has sort of left me out of the loop in my life plans. But who am I to say that about our One True God? He knows all and IS all. He doesn’t have to tell me what in the world is going on in my life if He chooses not to. (And most of the time He does. ;))
I guess in a word, I am impatient. I always have been with things concerning my life and my future. I have never wanted to be right where I am. I’ve always wanted to fast-forward into the future so I could have that knowledge. When I was little, I would never go to sleep before anyone else because I didn’t want to miss anything. I’m still the same way. I have a need to know all. That is a conflict in my relationship with Christ. I often throw my Bible and prayer life aside and just ask God for answers without having studied or seriously prayed to Him. I’ve always been like that. It’s funny how God put me with Jason knowing full well he was perfect for me. God knew Jason would reveal things about myself I knew were there essentially but didn’t really know how to explain or to fix. I guess I’m still in the revealing stage because I haven’t really “fixed” a whole lot of things. 😛
God, I know, is somehow weaving all of my insecurities and doubts into this giant, incredible big picture that I can’t see right now. I long for the day I can quit the library for GOOD and never go back. I long for the day I can live in peace with my husband and sing for a living. I long for the day I feel right, for the first time in my life, with Christ. I long for the day I have a consistent quiet time and prayer time with God and feel comfortable sharing the Gospel with someone else.
But for now, I need to work on my impatience.
Thanks for reading. 🙂