I had to blog this as soon as I could.
I was at work this afternoon looking through my Twitter and saw that Bethany Dillon had a new blog so I hopped over and looked then commented and went back to my blog and started reading a couple of my most recent blogs. (Unfinished and Ramble). I read them with fresh eyes. I only wrote them a week and a half ago at the most and already I am changed and think a little differently. (This is why I’m glad I started this blog.) My “Unfinished” blog talks about how I just pine for something to happen inside of me. That ‘happen’ to be somehow becoming this worship leader I see in my head and doing all of these things everyone around me is doing. Well, I think God has a prerequisite plan for me.
With and without my knowledge God has been showing me just how much pride is rooted in my heart. These blogs are about how I want to be a worship leader. How I have this passion and how I just want to do what I do. Well, coincidentally, (but really it’s God working) we’ve been reading John Piper’s “Don’t Waste Your Life” in college Sunday School–it’s so deep, we’re still in the preface!–Dad’s (our teacher) been talking about how we should plug into the church and find what our spiritual gifts are. We, as a church body, are to edify the church. The church does not edify us. So, if I think my spiritual gift is music, then I should plug into our church’s worship team or church choir. My goal, as a Christian, is to edify Christ in the church. To glorify HIM alone. My goal should NOT be making a record or recording music or joining a record label. I should just long to glorify God alone with my singing and music. And if He chooses to lift me up and allow me to do those other things then GOD BE PRAISED. I am a meek and prideful human being. God, this past week or so, has been showing me my pride in a very real way. I never consciously knew I was prideful. I just wanted to sing and be on a stage. But God is showing me that my heart is in the wrong place. I now catch myself when I think a prideful thought or want to say something that will edify myself. I ask that God help me in ridding my heart of this disease.
When I reread my “Unfinished” blog I almost wanted to delete it. I felt so ashamed that I would put prideful things like that for people to read about me. Now, I leave it. I want proof that I have changed. I want to come back and reread this blog in another week and see just how much I’ve changed.
To finish the reason I started writing this blog..
I was on my way home from work after reading Bethany Dillon’s blog and rereading mine, when Needtobreathe’s “Something Beautiful” came on. I was at the intersection on the highway before my house and just started to cry. Something strong had a full grip on my soul. It was covered in the Holy Spirit. I’ve never felt anything like it. It was the most incredible thing I have ever felt! I was driving and crying and mascara was running into my eye and it started to burn so I couldn’t cry a whole lot more lest I have a wreck but nonetheless I cried. When I pulled into my driveway I just sad and soaked it in. The thoughts running through my head the whole time were, “I don’t care. I just want to glorify YOU LORD! I love you! God, I glorify YOU alone.” Everything prideful fled my heart at that very moment and I was able to see Christ and His infinite love burdened on my heart in a way that I can only hope will happen again. I wanted to jump out of my car and scream and raise my hands to the heavens. It was so phenomenal.
As for now, I’d like you to pray that God continue to break me of this pridefulness and continue to show me His love and how much I should glorify Him instead of myself!