Pretend that “those” is italicized because that’s how I’m saying it in my head. For emphasis.
I guess that choir trip to Tulsa last weekend reeeally wiped me out because I’ve been thoroughly exhausted by the time 10pm rolls around and usually I’m not that tired until 11.30. But since I’ve obeyed my body I’ve actually gotten up BEFORE my alarm every day! Still can’t decide if that’s a good thing… but, hey! I wore makeup today!
Despite my accomplishment of wearing makeup today, it turned into one of those my-life-is-a-black-hole-I’ll-never-lose-any-weight-I’m-just-gonna-make-cookies-and-watch-a-bajillion-episodes-of-The Golden Girls-and-House-while-Jason-talks-to-his-brother-on-the-phone days. These happen more often than you think. The cookies and Golden Girls part, anyway.
My day started out like any other day. Wake up begrudgingly and resent Jason for being able to sleep in for another half hour, get ready and frantically try to find clean clothes in the mountain of them in my floor, grab my books, tell Tooncy goodbye, and drive to school while trying to stay awake. Classes were fine and my second one even let out about 40 minutes early. With my two-hour break I ate breakfast started on my music theory final and even talked to Jason.
But then my voice lesson came… Just before my lesson every Thursday I’m in rehearsal for our girls’ choir for an hour and a half. I was feeling really good about that rehearsal. I had all my parts down and was even a little sad that time flew by so quickly. But when you’re in a choir, sometimes you don’t always hear how your own voice sounds because you’re blending in with other voices. So to go from being a uniformed sound to a solo is kind of hard sometimes.
It was just one of those lessons for me that I couldn’t stop obsessing about how bad I needed a hair cut every time I looked into that giant mirror of hers she keeps in front of her students and how awfully tired my voice sounded. Sometimes I have flashes in my head of “You’ll never have a career in music. You suck! Give it up! No one would ever give you a job much less a record deal.” Those devastate me.
So that’s how I was feeling on the silent 40 minute ride on the way home. Wondering how I’d get through the next 2-3 years of my college life and brooding over the fact that I don’t want to be a music teacher with all my heart but sensibly it makes sense to go ahead and get that teacher certification in case those voices in my head do come true. I dread going to school in the fall because I know the rest of my schooling will be focused on psychology classes and how to deal with students and how to teach and to conduct and all the things I loathe with all of my heart! It makes me feel like I’m majoring in something I don’t love doing. And that’s just not true.
Music is the only thing that’s ever made any sense to me and it’s the only thing I’ll ever want to do. But doing it in the form of teaching just isn’t…. me. At all. I can see why it’d be fun for some people: the relationships, the building up of young lives… but.. I don’t see that for me. And I’m pretty good at at least sensing what my next move is.
So after those 40 minutes of depressing thoughts and questions I came home, turned on Golden Girls and waited for Jason to come home. Then, I made cookies. I couldn’t be happier that I have the day off tomorrow. I need the alone time (sadly, Jason doesn’t have the day off..sad.) to think and reflect and honestly to just do some laundry. My sister is having a party tomorrow night so it’ll be nice to get out later on and socialize.
Anyway, sorry for the heaviness of this post, but I really needed it.
Happy…? Almost Maundy Friday.