Ohhh, hai!

02.6.17 - Melody 3 Comments

Well, I thought it was about time I updated you on the last four months of my life since you’ve so clearly been missing out on them. Wait…how do I blog again? Oh, I think I remember.

The last we spoke I told you how to deal with living alone being an extrovert. Remember in 2015 when I was losing my mind with that breakup and depression? Yeah. 2015 was probably not a good year for me EXCEPT the fact that I moved to Dallas. Save for that, 2015 was pretty shot. 2016 got a whole lot better when I started going to therapy and finally got on some happy pills. $6? Don’t mind if I do! I gave up dating, cut out toxic relationships and painted my house. For a hot second I thought about going to grad school for my MBA, but then scrapped it when I completely forgot about doing it. I threw myself a birthday party with all of my friends, since my big 25 kinda came and went. I made a list of things I wanted to learn and jobs I wanted to do. I adopted another dog, but you already knew that. I started working with Paws in the City as their Digital Pet Profile Coordinator, which is really just a fancy title for managing the volunteer writers. Recently, they asked me to help with their massive social media so I now run their Instagram and Twitter! Remember when I said two seconds ago I wrote a list of stuff I wanted to learn? Guess what was on there? Social media. BOOM, two weeks later Amy from PITC calls me to add me to their team. What’s funny is I started following them a year before I even moved to Dallas. I loved their mission and their work in the city and wondered what it’d be like to work with them. Well, now I do and I can say it’s pretty great.

In October, I went to a meeting my friend Josh was leading a community meeting to talk about LGBTQ youth homelessness in Dallas. I went just to learn, and came away a member of the Marketing/PR team. What a wacko night that was! Four months later we’ve launched an entire organization and I now run the entire Marketing/PR team with some pretty kickass talented people. What even is my life now? Oh, by the way? We’re Outlast Youth and we exist to reduce and prevent LGBTQ youth homelessness in Dallas and its surrounding counties by 2020 and you should totally join our Thunderclap awareness campaign. Also? Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I’ll love you forever if you do it. Seriously.

I’m so excited to dive into this thing. Six months ago I had no idea LGBTQ youth homelessness was even a *thing* you know? But now, I’m like, fighting it. I’m interviewing transgender people and former homeless youth and meeting people I’d have had no contact with ever if it weren’t for Josh and this organization. It’s exciting and so, so fun.

Also last year, I quit dating altogether for about seven months. It was the happiest and most freeing seven months of my adult life, I think. I was so sick of constantly searching for someone and then feeling like no one out there could be what I wanted. I was a washing machine. I’d date someone for a bit and they’d get on my nerves and I’d spit them out. (Do washing machines do that? Whatever. You get it.) It felt so good to delete all of those self-centered dating apps and cut out the toxicity of constantly being sexualized. I think I finally remade my account the week of Thanksgiving. I went on a few dates with a guy but it just wasn’t right. When I finally met Paden, I don’t think I could delete my accounts again fast enough. Our beginning is kind of funny, but that’s a story for another day. For now, look at this photo of us and puke at how cute we are.

Yep. That’s us cuddling a puppy. I mean, come on.

The short of it is, I haven’t been this balanced and happy in a very long time. I’m stable for probably the very first time in my ENTIRE life and I can’t believe I lived so disjointed for 25 years. It hurt, but if that pain is what I needed to get me here I can deal with that. I’m doing things I can finally put my heart into. I’m learning new stuff every day and I have a boyfriend I have no anxiety or doubts about for the first time probably ever. I’ve been fighting and hurting for a long time.

Hello, happy. I like you.

Why 26 Will Be the Best Year Yet

09.30.1609.28.16 - Melody

For the last couple of months, I’ve been dreading this day. Turning twenty-six symbolized to me all of the dreams and goals I hadn’t yet accomplished, and diminished those things that I had. Twenty-five held a lot of personal, mental and emotional growth for me. I stretched and ached in ways I never had before, cut out things that held me back and stood up for myself more times than I can count; something I’d not previously known how to do. But all of this growth, this maturity, was all inside. There was nothing truly tangible I could pick up and show you that I’d done this last year.

One of my larger goals in life is to be a full-time musician. Actually, a part-time or part-part-time musician will do. Since age 11 I’ve known this is just what I have to do if I ever want to be fully satisfied and happy. It’s not a compromise for me. It’s not a pipe dream. It’s something I have to do to be really me. (CHEESE BALL) Anyway, part of me naively thought that magically when I exchanged my Gladewater address for a Dallas one that all of these tiny little dreams would manifest themselves. I’d finally get to be who I thought I was supposed to be all those years ago. When none, and I mean none, of that happened I shouldn’t have been surprised when I fell. Hard. Coupled with a rough breakup and being alone in a new city, it was almost all over for me. The amount of times I wanted to pack it all up and move back home is embarrassing. But I stuck it out, probably for no other reason than my incredible stubbornness. I reached out for professional help, and while those months were still incredibly dark, they could’ve been a lot darker. I came out of that season more knowledgeable about my anxiety and depression and how to avoid feeling like that. I decided to stop dating and end those weird little flirty “relationships” with guys I knew would never date me. I ended friendships that, to me, weren’t healthy anymore. I adopted another dog and made hard goals for myself. I let myself dream bigger and stepped out of my comfort zone and met new people. I said ‘yes’ more to the good and ‘no’ to the not good.

So, no. Twenty-five was not a failure. Over the last week I’ve realized that while I still have lofty goals and dreams that haven’t yet been reached, I can reward myself for building a solid soul foundation and surrounding myself with people that lift me up and encourage me. So when I do reach those goals, I can do so in a healthy and strong way. My adult life has been slow going. Sometimes I feel like I’m starting at square one, but the ever looming shadow of twenty-six has reminded me that I’m still here for a reason. I’ve been and done all of this junk for a reason. I moved here for a reason. I still have goals and I still have a life to live and I should stop mourning things that haven’t happened yet. Because that’s just it. They haven’t happened yet.

I’m so grateful to my friends and family for carrying me through this last year. I honestly don’t think I’d be here if it weren’t for all of them. So, thank you. I love you more than you can possibly know.

I’m living all my days in the sun. Cheers to twenty-six!

The Gal Nextdoor

09.16.1610.4.19 - Melody 4 Comments

Dating at any age isn’t easy. You’re looking for that one person out of billions that compliments your personality, your quirks, your morals and beliefs. You want that one person that makes you a better one just by being with them. Some people, like four of my friends, are lucky enough to have found that person in high school and are happily married now. But what happens after you date for three years only to find the ones that leave you worse off than before you began? What happens when you find out that some people think you owe them your love?

For example, one of my favorite websites I’ve discovered since moving to Dallas is called Nextdoor, a website designed to connect you only to people in your neighborhood and/or the surrounding ones. A few days ago I posted my West Elm rug for sale on this site and not too long after I got a private message from a guy just about my age. “Cool rug Melody. Not interested in it but thought it was pretty cool.” After I thanked him, he immediately took that as an opportunity to ask why and how I moved to Dallas, about my life, what I do, where I hang out. In the eighteen hours we messaged, he asked me out three times. The third time I turned him down because I already had plans, he snapped at me. “I’ll just quit trying then,” he said. “What?” I asked. Four hours later, he asked me if I was even interested in meeting him. “I have no interest in dating you. I’ve been busy every time you’ve asked me out.” He claimed he had no interest in dating, either, and that he was probably being annoying but wasn’t trying to be. Right here was the first time he tried evoking sympathy from me. After I called him on snapping at me, he told me that once I meet him and “hear his story, things like that will make more sense.” I ignored that and reluctantly agreed to meet.

So I said yes. And then the next morning, no. (HOORAY! BACKBONE!) Specifically, “Hey! I know this is rude because I’ve already agreed to hang out, but I’m very uncomfortable meeting. I don’t think your intentions when you messaged me on Nextdoor were just friendly. We don’t even know each other and you snapped at me for not being available enough to you. I don’t owe anyone my time or conversation. Good luck in school! I wish you the best.” The second time he tried evoking sympathy was when he told me that this was nothing new to him because every woman leaves him. When I again told him no one owes him a date, he claimed all he ever wanted was friendship and that I obviously don’t want anything to do with him. That’s the third attempt to elicit sympathy from me, if you’re keeping score at home.

You see, the problem with this is, well, a lot of things. First, no matter how pure he perceived his initial intentions when he messaged me, they were not. Six years ago, or even probably one year ago, I’d have fallen for it. I’d have said yes, met the guy at Chipotle because he doesn’t drink, and hated myself for all of it. The problem with Gary* is that he expects anyone (girl) to say yes. That because he took the time out of his day to send me an unsolicited message, I owe him some sort of token. A date, my body, my conversation, my sympathy, my love. Second, the problem isn’t just Gary’s. It’s generational. There are countless stories just like mine. I’m limited to the scope of my generation, but I’d be willing to bet this is just a people problem. Third, Gary was disrespectful. So much so in fact, that he didn’t want me staying committed to the plans I’d already made before he ever messaged me. He didn’t respect my time enough to let it be just that. Mine. He had already claimed my time as his own before meeting me.

2016 Melody won’t stand for this. I’ll let 2014, 2015 and early 2016 Melodys speak for themselves.

2014

2014 Melody was unstable. And by unstable I mean I dated a guy that flat out told me in a Papacita’s that he wasn’t done cheating on any of his girlfriends just yet. I squirmed in my seat and my brain literally blocked those words out and didn’t let them process. I intentionally ignored everything he was saying because I wanted to believe he was good. You know what? I STUCK AROUND. He made wild promises about the future, mentioning marriage and a house and even named one of our future kids Thomas. He’d have red hair like me and long eyelashes like him. (I’m serious, you guys. This was my life.) A month later when he broke the shocking news to me that I was not the only broad in his life, I couldn’t believe it. When he looked me in the eye in White Rock Coffee smelling of cologne and dressed for a date with another girl and told me he’d been seeing her for two years, my body literally turned rigid. How could he? I loved him! Didn’t he love me?

The next day, I’d set up an appointment at the Apple store where he used to work and talked about all.the.time. because my iPhone’s lock button was broken. Coincidentally (NOT), this other girl worked there, too! (No wonder he talked about it all the time!) You know what ol’ boy did? Told her I was coming so she could handle my appointment. He set up his two girls so they could meet. Isn’t that sweet?

2014 me was dependent. My formative years were spent dating someone else. A serial monogamist, some would say. So when I met my ex-husband, I thought it was the natural next step. Get married! Have kids! Be happy! I desperately wanted those things to come true, I just didn’t know you had to work at them. When everything finally fell apart, I was able to see just what I was: a co-dependent child that hadn’t done anything for herself. That might be a little harsh, I mean, I did finish school on my own, bought my own cars, took care of a dog. But emotionally, I was stunted. For whatever reason, a relationship was the only way I knew how to be whole. Course I wouldn’t come to fully realize this until a little while later. And not really until I’d dated all these other yahoos.

2015

2015 me was alright. I’d dated a very professional lawyer that doted on me, saved and bought a new car and was finally saving to move to Dallas. After Lawyer, I was in my first serious relationship after the divorce in ’13 and was learning a lot, even though he was dealing with his own divorce. I loved him, he loved me and we did the best we could. I learned how not to be passive aggressive. I learned how to better communicate, how to express to someone I loved that what they were doing was hurting me. I got to experience what it was like to date someone not living in my parents’ house (!!!). I had someone to rely on, someone to call when things got hard and someone to complain to about how lonely it was moving to a new city. When we broke up, I learned again how to deal with heartache, this time on my own. I learned how to reach out and ask for professional help when talking it out with friends and family just wasn’t cutting it. I learned how to let go and forgive. I learned even more about what I need in a partner. I learned that breakups can be healthy and they can be really good for you. A really shocking revelation to me at the time as a co-dependent person.

Honestly, I still attribute a lot of my growth to this dude. Even though he’s long gone and we’re not even in the same city, I’m afraid I’d still be just like 2014 Melody if it weren’t for him. So thanks, Jon.

Late 2015 Melody, though, that’s a different story. As a classic serial monogamist/co-dependent gal since age 14, (I know) I started dating someone “seriously” three weeks after my nearly nine month long, very serious relationship. Totally healthy. He was kind, affectionate and generous, but constantly left me places alone if his mother called. We were waiting for a table once at a nice restaurant in the middle of a conversation when his phone rang and he excused himself for ten minutes while I stood inside alone. This happened at least twice every.time.we.went.out. Two months in, I caught him texting another girl all the time. He claimed she was a friend (a good Facebook stalking revealed they had seriously dated for over a year) and vowed to stop talking to her if it made me uncomfortable. A month later, when I caught him again, he got very quiet when I asked if she knew he was dating someone. When I broke up with him the next day, he told me not to think that it was my fault. Great! I feel so much better that you texting another girl isn’t my fault. Whew!

He taught me that I was not a top priority. Leaving me alone places to answer a phone call or letting his phone light up with another girl’s name taught me that I was not enough for him. By this time, at least, I’d learned enough to know that I am worth something and had the guts to break it off.

2016

Early 2016 Melody isn’t much better. There was the time I met someone and three days later they moved four boxes and three duffel bags into my house behind my back, the time someone abandoned me at a concert at midnight without my keys in what used to be a bad part of the city, the time someone else wanted to marry me after knowing me for four days, that time the same person told me I was the biggest girl he’d ever dated but he “didn’t date ugly girls” then showed me a full body nude of his ex, the countless times I was emotionally manipulated and called worthless, in so many terms, and the time a guy told me I shouldn’t be on a dating site if I wasn’t ready to get married. (Those sound really traumatic when you string them all together like that. Woof.)

Now, look. I’m not blameless here. Yeah, a lot, and I do mean a lot, of the guys I have dated are not good for me, but I chose to be with them. I chose to put myself in those situations. There were red flags in the very beginning of ALL of these “relationships” that I willingly chose to ignore because I thought that’s what I deserved. That’s what my divorce taught me; it shamed me into thinking I deserved someone that didn’t really love me, someone that wouldn’t show up for me and someone that wouldn’t fight for me. I let that become my reality and my idea of self-worth. I played into the manipulation and games with men nearly ten years older than me in some cases and counted that as love and commitment.

No one in these stories is blameless, but these guys deserve an emotionally healthy life just like I do. I want the person that doesn’t believe anyone will love him to realize that he’s already loved. I want the person that treats women like objects to realize what a treasure people are. I want that person that abandons their girlfriend in a restaurant to realize that some things can wait. I believe that everyone is worthy. Maybe that’s just me being sappy to a fault, but I think that’s true. No one on this planet is inherently worthless.

So, how, if you aren’t inherently bold like me, do you break the cycle?

First step, realize you’re worth. Realize you’re worth something more than whatever person said you were worth. If someone called you dirt, realize you’re the flowers coming out of that dirt.

Second step, let that permeate every part of your being. It’ll bleed out into everything you say and do, and when someone steps to you like Gary here, you’ll have the courage to step right back to them. No one, listen to me, no one gets to tell you what you’re worth. Do you hear me? No one.

The last step? Surround yourself with people that lift you up. People that’ll fight with you and for you against those that call you something other than worthy. Real friends that encourage you, believe in you, love you. The ones that’ll drive three hours in Temple, TX traffic to see you for one day. The ones that’ll still love you after everything you used to be, especially when you were 2006 Melody. (Yikes.) Surround yourself with people like that.

Current 2016 Melody is good. Really good. I deleted my profiles off of both of the dating apps I had, blocked numbers I shouldn’t be texting, spoke into the universe that I was fully single, and asked God to make my heart stone for a little while. Just until I was ready, really ready, to date again. It’s been about six months since then and despite missing that emotional connection, I’m okay. I’ve realized that I can want to love someone and know that I’m just not ready. I’ve realized that I can pour myself into my friendships instead. I can have year long crushes on someone without acting on it. Most importantly, I can be happy sitting alone on my couch at night.

In the end, know that you are loved. Even if only by me, someone on the internet whose writing you’re reading. But most, most, most importantly? Love yourself.

Love you.

xxx

*name changed to maintain anonymity. still a dumb name, though.

When you don’t feel worth it…

08.20.1610.4.19 - Melody

When you feel so broken wondering why you’re like this. When you wonder if you’ll literally ever be able to love someone in a healthy way. When you’re wondering where your self worth went. When it’s breaking your heart that you can’t see yourself the way your parents do. When it’s crushing you to see their eyes well up when you tell them you don’t love yourself. When you hear them tell you you’re worth it. When you’re wondering why someone that’s harbored feelings for you for years won’t even make it work with you. When you miss your ex. When you doubt if it’s love or you’re just holding onto something that makes you feel good. When you wonder why you need to hold onto someone to make you feel good in the first place and can’t be satisfied with your own self. When you know that fall is coming and probably along with it your depression. When your favorite shirt is dirty. When you text that guy because you’re bored or lonely or some other lame excuse. When no one shows up for your birthday. When you realize how far you still have to go. When you’re wondering why you’re not fixed yet. When you’re wondering how you’re so messed up. When you’re lonely. When you’re sad. When you wish that guy you have a crush on would just pay attention to you. When you know he isn’t the one for you. When you say something mean. When you say something passive aggressive. When you speak out of turn because your feelings are hurt. When you don’t get a reply. When an “I’m sorry” won’t work. When you’re broke. When you just want to delete everyone out of your life. When you believe you’ll never be married because you can’t be 1000% single for one single second. When you wonder what that is inside of you holding you back. When you’re sorry. When you’re broken. When you’re depressed and being so makes you even more depressed because you think of all the people pulling for you that really love you. When you think about how much your family loves you. When your heart is absolutely smashed like a month old Halloween pumpkin. When you think about how many people haven’t shown up for you in your life. When you remember the ones that do. When you don’t want to read that message that’s gonna hurt. When you feel weak. When you feel strong. When everything is sh*t. When everything is incredible. When you’re sick. When you can’t find your people. When you’re waiting. When you can’t understand why you’re not as far as you thought you’d be. When you don’t get that job. When you don’t have a loft in Deep Ellum. When you get married. When you date again. When you’re sunburned. When you’re healthy. When you find your people. When no one shows up. When you’re homesick. When you’re anxious. When someone dies. When you feel isolated. When you realize, again, that you moved away from everything familiar. When someone takes something from you. When you wreck your car. When you feel like no one loves you. When you feel more hopeless than you’ve ever felt. When you want something but can’t get it. When you feel worthless. When you think you’re nothing. When you wonder who spoke that to you and why you let it in. When you can’t shake the incessant down talk you hear your soul speaking to you. When you want to adopt every homeless animal. When you think you’re too far gone. When you want to jump off your balcony. When you feel higher than that one time you got your wisdom teeth out and were under anesthesia. When it’s raining and you’re happy. When you’re elated. When you kiss someone you love again. When you’re a girlfriend. When you’re a wife. When your dream doesn’t come true. When you finally let it all go.

Love yourself. Somehow find the strength deep down inside to keep going. And remember, it’s all going to be okay.

Getting To Know You: Cait

07.25.1607.1.16 - Melody

Two years ago I launched this series in an effort to get to know the people I was spending every day with a little deeper. Since moving to Dallas I’ve expanded my small circle just a little bit wider. I’m bringing this series back to highlight the relationships in my life that influence me. You can read more about the beginning of this series here and here and read all of the posts in it here.

The story of how I met Cait is a wild one. Five years ago I attended the Passion conference, a Christian conference aimed at high school seniors to college seniors. At this conference, where there can be up to 25,000+ attendees, they break you up into colors of about 1,000-3,000 people. Then they break you up into family groups of 10-12. This particular year I met a girl in my family group named Stephanie. We’d appointed Stephanie to be the leader of our group and at the end of the conference we decided to stay in touch via social media. We lived in completely different states; I in Texas and she in North Carolina. Last year I posted this picture on Instagram. Apparently, one of Stephanie’s friends had just moved to Dallas the month before also and she thought we should hook up. At this point I’m thinking this girl must live in one of the suburbs of Dallas and couldn’t be that close to me.

After Stephanie tagged us both in her comment on my photo, a Cait Butt private messaged me offering to help me move in and gave me her number. Turns out, Cait lived less than 10 minutes from me! I didn’t need any help that day, but she messaged me again a couple of weeks later and had an extra ticket to Shakespeare in the Park, an outdoor ampitheater that shows, you guessed it, Shakespearean plays in the summer. I met Cait and three other brand new people that day. We sat on a blanket and she brought wine and cheese and fruit and we had a picnic and watched Romeo and Juliet. Despite having just moved to Texas a month before, she welcomed me with open arms. Because that’s who she is.

Late last year, her roommate got engaged. (THE WEDDING WAS BEAUTIFUL.) They were breaking their lease and Cait needed a new apartment. After one in Grapevine half an hour away fell through, she texted me and one or two other people asking for prayer and any advice on what to do. She had to be out of her current place by that weekend. We had always joked about how funny it would be if she ended up moving into my 12-unit building. Two people moved out at different times in the months leading up to Cait needing to be out, but they were leased already and Cait wasn’t ready to move just yet.

The day Cait texted me in a panic, I looked out my back window. One of my very long time neighbors was pulling a U-Haul into the parking lot. I could not move my hands and fingers fast enough to text my apartment manager about that place. She said Cait should come by the next day for a showing. I was crossing my hands and fingers and feet and heart all day. Daniel, the greatest landlord on the planet, was there and so was one other applicant. I was nervous and so was Cait. But the place was so perfect for her. A couple days later I got the news. Daniel decided to give the place to Cait. The winning factor? That she was my friend. And that she is.

Cait is warm. She is welcoming and outgoing. Actually, outgoing is too mild a word for her. I think it’s safe to say that 100% of the people she’s met so far in Dallas she has either walked up to or gone to a place or party where she knew no one. Save the ones she’s met online. 😉 Cait is bold and smart. She’s decisive and full of self-discipline. At the moment I’m writing this she’s finishing up a three week juice cleanse. THREE.WEEKS. HOW. She’s loving and full of family. She’s rich in friendships and knowledge. She’s a photographer. A creative. A leader. A friend. I don’t think anyone that knows Cait has ever felt unwelcome in her presence. I sure haven’t.

Every time you see her you will be greeted with a big, genuine hug and a question about your life. She’s invested and genuine and real. She never hesitates to be known or share her life with you. That’s her whole goal, actually. I didn’t even have to ask her any questions for this post because she makes herself so well known. Cait wants to share her life with you. And I am so changed because of the fruits of that. I am one of the fruits of that. I know that if I need a lime or a cup of sugar or some ice I can knock on her door and she’ll help me out. I know that she’s always down to experience something new with me.

Her moving into my building was a literal answer to my prayers. I was lonely and depressed and God moved a friend four doors down. Daniel joked we should set up cans and strings between our doors so we could constantly talk to each other. Why haven’t we done that yet?

Cait has introduced me to new foods, new places, countless new people, new things, new music. I got to meet and hang out with the dudes of Jared and the Mill a couple of times and I’m now apart of a small group for a church I’ve never even visited because of her. Now those people are an invaluable part of my life.

Today marks one year since I met Cait. I cannot say enough about this person. She is good. She is beautiful. She is my friend.

Happy Friendaversary! I love you!

PS. Girl really loves coffee, y’all.

#BestFriendCruise2k16

07.1.1610.4.19 - Melody 2 Comments

I’m currently on hold with the Dallas County tax office and feel like I’ll be waiting for a while, so I figured now’s a good a time as any to reminisce our best friend cruise…

This idea started as a semi joke. A lot of us in the group are obsessed with The Office and some of us even have tattoos of The Office memorabilia. Remember the episode when they go on a booze cruise? And the whole thing with Pam and Jim? Course you do. Because it’s one of the best episodes besides the poker night one. ANYWAY. Chaney mused that, wouldn’t it be so cool if we all went on a cruise?! And the next thing we know we’re booking a cruise.

Yes. We made a shirt for the occasion. And also bought a bulk box of captain’s hats off Amazon. We were hence known as “the group wearing captain’s hats” on the ship. It’s our own fault, really.

“FRIENDSHIP IS THE MOST CRUCIAL INGREDIENT TO ANY SEA ADVENTURE SECOND ONLY TO BUOYANCY.”
-Name That Quote

We boarded and explored that first day wearing our matching shirts. This was my first real vacation with no real “adults.” Just friends. Doing what we wanted. Because we could. It was very liberating.

Our first (and only) excursion was to Cozumel, Mexico. Our route usually also stops in Progreso, Mexico, but something about the ship being broken on one side? I don’t know. I only skimmed the email. Shel and I had been to Cozumel before during our cruise with our family last year and it was just as beautiful as I remember.

Our excursion was one part snorkeling one part beach. We rode on a catamaran out to a reef and snorkeled for half an hour. I saw the most beautiful fish down there. I also met my spirit fish. She was a loner, colored in neon stripes and dots. And I said to myself, “Dat me as a fish!” Bid her good day, and swam on. We got our picture taken by a guy with a really fancy underwater camera with fish food in his pockets to attract the fish and make it look like there were all these fish. There were, but come on. Not that many.

Most important to note is this moment:

It may look like an ordinary selfie to you, but to me it was a right turn. We’d just finished snorkeling and fully exhausted climbing back aboard the catamaran, wet with sea water and covered in salt, holding a margarita, dancing with my friends in the middle of the ocean…I was happy. Like, really happy. Like, deep to my core real happiness. Pure joy. That’s the first time I remember feeling like that for…well, a long time. Years. My life lately has been tangled up and sourced from unhealthy and ugly places. Wrapped up in people who mess me up and manipulate me. But not here. Not on that boat. On that boat I let it all go and stood alone. Independent. Happy. Done. And I’m happy to report nothing has changed! I am still just as happy as I am in this photo. Yay for oceans!

After D-Daying our way to shore, we claimed a cabana way in the back and had a stranger take our photo against the ocean. I’ll treasure the Instax photo he snapped of us, too. One of my favorites. Part of our excursion included these giant inflatable obstacle course things. You literally had to use all of your upper body strength to get on one and then jump on a trampoline covered in broken shells and sand and laugh when someone almost falls off or gets scraped by the sharp shells. We all thought we were going to drown. It was fun.

On our way back, we sipped margaritas and danced line dances with the boat crew. How in the WORLD they all keep their balance while doing the wobble I’ll never know. I almost broke a leg a dozen times.

We chose to do the fancy dinners every night and wore our captain’s hats. Once, three of us showed up late and the waiters just said, “Your friends are seated in the back.” Like he already knew who we were with. HOW DID HE KNOW.

We did karaoke, we swam, went down the slide, watched our friends throw money in the trash can in the casino, saw a show, did more karaoke, napped. Man. We napped. A lot. But mostly we laid out and got sunburned.